Letting it fall by the wayside

I am utterly and completely stressed out right now. And I don't need the babymaking on top of it.

That is the synopsis for this month. I've stopped the torturous temping, though I hope I don't regret doing so in the future. I will keep using the Bleep!Bleep! if I remember to turn the damn thing on in the morning so it can tell me what to do. We have begun packing/moving etc so that is taking up some time. Work makes me want to retch right now. I'm a huge stress ball with the breakout on my back and neck to prove it. Not optimal conditions but I can't work myself into a frenzy this month. Once we get settled in our new town (which has drs. under our insurance, even the speciality ones) and if I'm still not knocked up, I'll give 'em a call.

The new Plan

Capital P, my friends.

It is actually a not-Plan. Due to Trout and I buying a house, me training for a 5 mile "race" (its a fundraiser for the athletic department at my place of employment, with thousands of runners), and who knows what else once we actually move in and start renovating, I'm putting things on hold. Not a serious hold, mind you, just perpetual motion for a while.

I haven't decided if I'm going to resume taking my temperature. I will use the Bleep! Bleep! and do what it tells me, but I think that will be it for a month or two. I will work on dropping the last 4 pounds that are taunting me.

A side note: Without doing much except from walking to and from work, I've dropped about 4 pounds. I always gain weight when I workout hardcore so when I give up I tend to drop a few pounds. What a pain in the ass.

When things settle down I'll re-examine things. If nothing has happened over the perpetual motion time span, it will be time to call in the medical establishment. I can't keep putting my all into this if I'm not sure everything is ok.

I feel a bit better while still feeling bad

My temp finally dropped. At least now I know for sure. Not like the most negative PG tests in the world didn't try to tell me before. Seriously, the tests I take are the most negative ones ever!

I don't know if I can keep charting. One POV says to keep doing it so that if I see a doctor I have some stats, data, AMMO to show. On the other hand charting is making me bonkers, obsessive, and killing me on the inside.

I do have a few points of summary:

1. Based on the two ovulatory cycles I've had (who knows if they even are?), pre-O temp is below 98 degrees, post-O is above. Oversimplifying a bit, but it may come in handy.
2. My Bleep! Bleep! may be early by a day or so. Keep the fertility lines open until a low reading.
3. My FF membership is ending in 20-some odd days. Given how long my cycles are, I don't think I have enough to finish out another one.
4. Spring is coming, so that means I can bust out the bike soon. Ahhhhhh!

Also, Trout and I bought a house with a 40 minute commute. We will be busy with all that entails and I think it could keep my mind occupied for a while. I don't have to worry about trying to move stuff, painting, maybe ripping out carpet and using sketchy chemical solutions and being pregnant. The only part that kills me is that this house is PERFECT for kids. The space, the yard, proximity to schools. I would be lying if I wasn't thinking about that fact almost the entire time we were looking at it. It breaks my heart that I can't fill this house with children yet.

So, my plan is to keep using the uber-expensive fertility moniter as my major source of data. I may temp to verify O, but keep in mind number 1 above may be enough to clue me in. I may just let FF expire and either use a paper method or TC.OYF's software that came with the book.

I need to back off to save my sanity. The irony is that I started this blog as a way to save my sanity. I think it may have backfired. Or, I just need some time.

It has now been a year since I went off the pill for the sole purpose of getting pregnant.

The only theory I have

Is that the Bleep! Bleep! did not give me an accurate O date.

I have Fertilty Friend using my moniter as my primary data. If I change it to include ALL information to determine an O date, I get nothing. No O, no coverline, NADA. I'm not exactly sure why. I can clearly see a biphasic pattern.

Take a look and tell me, did I ovulate?

Nada

Negative test. No period. Temp dropped a little but not the BIG swan dive that gives me a heads up. However, it tends to dip a little before the big plunge. Maybe FF is just wrong about my luteal phase, who knows? I may tinker with my charts.

The cramping that caught me off guard a couple days ago stopped that day. My boobs are still huge and they hurt. They are rock solid near my armpits. Again, could be PMS, but they hurt bad this time.

Again, I wish it would just get on with it so I can get over it.

Planning ahead

If things don't work out this cycle I think I have to take a month or two off. I can't handle the emotional roller coaster of TTC. It seems that each month something new pops up to mess with me. Being completely and utterly neurotic already, I don't think this is going all too well for my psyche.

My temp is down today, but still up, if that makes any sense. I had to sleep sans shirt because I was so freaking hot, so I don't know if that had anything to do with the drop or if it is the normal AF is a comin' drop. I also went to bed a bit before 8 o'clock.

We'll see how the day goes. FF is telling me to test tomorrow so if AF doesn't show up in the morning (she tends to, usually I'll be woke up by cramps in the middle of the night and by morning she's made a presence) I will.

I hate this

I have had issues the with TTC "mindfuck" my entire journey. Symptoms, cramps with no AF, etc etc.

The newest one involves my temperature from this morning. Take a gander at my chart.

I can't handle being strung along like this...

The pinching has turned to cramping

So, I'm not feeling terribly optomistic.

Pinching

I have been having this pinching feeling in my lower abdomen for the past couple days. I mean LOWER. Not cramps, my cramps tend to be very generalized and not location specific. I can pinpoint the pinching feeling. Actually point to it. Most of the time it doesn' t hurt but it does feel strange. Sometimes I swear it will hit a nearby nerve and it sends very path-specific shockwave through my body. Very odd.

If I am not pregnant I think I need to get that checked out. Or find a shrink.

Tits 'o Fire

That is all I really feel right now. Like my tits are on FIRE.