As I begin to crumble

I stayed home from work today. Last night was difficult for me for reasons I am not sure I have fully reconciled yet.

I think I'm just overwhelmed and overstimulated right now. Emotionally I am trying to pre-process how our lives are going to change and what I need to do in order to make that transition easier. Physically I am just starting to weaken. The headache I had last night seemed to be the last straw to my physical ailments. I have been able to "manage" what physical pain I have been in for the past month, month and a half, but for some reason throwing that headache in was too much.

I was an emotional wreck last night and a bit this morning. I think I just needed to be alone and cry for a while. I felt much better and not so overwhelmed by the vague responsibilities I am forcing on myself. I can take it easy now and I shouldn't feel guilty about it. But of course, I do.

I really thought I could keep working up until my due date. Now I don't think that is realistic. Sitting in the car for our commute is a big part of my discomfort, exacerbated by sitting in a chair and staring at a computer. I think I may have to start wrapping up loose ends. However, since we only have one car, Trout is FREAKED about leaving me at home, since he would have to come home (45 minutes) and then go BACK to the city where we work and where the birth center is. We really, really need to get another car.

Ok, I think I'm going to get worked up again if I keep thinking about all of these details.

A short post

I think I am a little under the weather. I have a killer headache and my body hurts. Maybe my sinuses?

Case in point, 37 weeks:



I look a bit tired. And large. Have I mentioned that I am large yet?

Bad Blogger

I shouldn't have left my last post as the last post for so long. I am fine, no baby. I feel better but I can tell if I'm pushing myself, which is essentially me trying to keep my life exactly the same as before. I think I need to reconcile the fact that I need to SLOW DOWN. I am one of these people that will keep going at normal speed, ignoring my body into submission. I don't think I can do that anymore.

I need to take another belly picture and do another million other things. I still have thank you cards to send to my co-workers, find a ped or family practitioner, get more tiny diapers, do I even try to get Christmas gifts etc etc etc. Can I scream on a blog? I'm a little overwhelmed with what I need to do and my own physical presence. I am large.

Also, the stretch marks on my ass and thighs have EXPLODED. I am still baffled. My future career as a hot pants wearing go-go dancer is down the tubes. I have a few on my sides that are difficult to see, but they showed up out of no where too. I'm going to have to slather on some vitamin e oil that I bought tonight.

Forced to the couch

I was ordered to go home by the midwife.

During the night I was feeling some cramping, though it wasn't quite cramping. The best way I can describe it was the pre-cramps I would get about 12-24 hours before I would get my period. I would go to the bathroom, go back to bed and change my sleeping position. That would usually help.

This morning at work I was still feeling "crampy" and also nauseous. I called the midwives because I just didn't feel right and I really didn't want to ignore something, while totally manageable, that might be a sign of something more complicated. Remember in my previous post how I was, ahem, trapped in my bathroom? The midwife said it sounded like I may be dehydrated from the lovely diarrhea and to go home and drink A LOT of water, eat some protein, and lay around. I think now I may have some tea.

I feel better, but I'm not sure if now my guts are trying to do something or what. On the upside is there hasn't been any bloody show or leaking of anything else that would cause me more concern. If nothing painful wakes me during the night I will chalk it up to dehydration. If I am awoken in the night then this might be something more.

Baby is still squirming like normal too.

100th Post...Filled with TMI and diaper pictures

I had some fast food yesterday against my better judgement. I paid for it dearly in the wee hours of the morning. It freaked me out a bit because some people say that their bodies, uhmmm, cleaned themselves out right before they went into labor. So while sitting in my bathroom this morning I wondered if I was going into labor or if my chicken strips should have stayed in the fryer 10 more seconds. 10 more seconds would have done it.

So today my tummy was a bit upset and sensitive, but it got better as the day progressed with many 7-Ups (far superior to any of the other clear sodas). My work threw me a little shower with cake. In our rather large office, we tend to send a card around and people can throw in whatever they want $ wise. My closer co-workers, knowing what I really needed, used that money to get me more diapers and diaper supplies.

I was floored.

Apparently, it was quite the production. One woman sent out an all staff e-mail (excluding me) explaining that we were going to use cloth and that was what the gift would be. I think it is cute and sad that it needed to be explained before hand. Second, another woman, who does not have kids, walked into the most awesome store and said, "I have no idea what it is I'm looking for, but a friend is going to cloth diaper and here are the types of things she has on her registery. What can I get with X amount of money?" The clerk helped her pick out: 2 bumGenius diapers, 2 Bummis Polar Fleece covers, 4 locally made hemp doublers in large and small, and Bac-Out enzyme cleaner. I was so proud of them and so excited for me, as I was completely nerding out.

I've added more pictures to Flickr, so if you clicky here or on the sidebar you can see my stash and the names of the diapers (though some of you veterans will be able to tell without my help). Overall, a good day.

Cleaning

I am not much of housekeeper but I used to collect cleaning products. I had an arsenal of bleached out and heavily toxic products that I rarely used. I still don't understand why I felt the need to collect cleaning supplies when cleaning was not a hobby or, well, addiction. My mother does the same thing.

Over the past few years I have dramatically reduced the chemicals that I bring into our home. I am currently using baking soda and a vinegar/essential oil spray to clean, but I still don't have a cleaning desire. Maybe I need to make a schedule? I do like doing the laundry and I do that on a schedule. And once the baby comes I feel my sanity will depend on some sort of household routine. Also, Trout hates the smell of vinegar though it tends to dissipate after a few minutes.

Crunchy Domestic Goddess has a review and giveaway for Lily's Garden Herbals All Purpose Cleaner. Go ahead and read her review and see what you think.

Does anyone else make their own cleaners?

The home stretch

Today was the last 2 week appointment. I will start going weekly after the holidays next week.

Ho.ly Shit.

I can barely believe it, yet I am getting pretty close to being done. My body is starting to clue me in on the wear and tear it has had to endure. Who knows if it will ever forgive me.

The baby is still head down but now I'm going to work on getting the baby to turn to an anterior position (when the baby's back is facing the front of mumma). Right now s/he is just looking to the right with its back on my left side. However a lot of the maneuvers suggested KILL my back and my ribs. However I must remember that this could make a HUGE difference during labor.

Now I am also starting to freak out more about some of the choices I have made this pregnancy, forgoing the ultrasound and skipping most prenatal testing. Part of this stems from a billboard that Trout and I drive by EVERY DAY on our way home from work. It is a billboard sponsered by a Pro-life group with a picture of a baby that has D.own Syn.drome with a caption that reads, "Every baby is a blessing" while on a different spot reading "I have Dow.n S.yndr.ome."

There are so many layers to how this billboard makes me feel that I can't even begin to talk about it on a blog. I don't even know if my conscious self is even aware of how this sign affects me. All that I know is that before I didn't really worry about potential problems with the baby, now I can't shake the idea that the potential is there and I may have skipped out getting that information ahead of time. I have no reason to believe that anything is wrong but driving by that sign every day I think is starting to wear on me. I was able to keep myself in a world where there was mostly likely nothing wrong, now I'm in a world where I am doubting myself on a lot of fronts. And that sucks. I would like to think that I would be ok if there was something wrong but now I'm not so sure I would be. And that is a horrible way to feel.

We are going to see our folks for Thanksgiving, but I told them I reserve the right to change my mind about that plan at any time. Though I would love to pig out on some overly buttered food.

Shower loot pics

Now that I'm over the sting of not being offered an interview for that job, I can spend more attention on the happy stuff. So here is a random sampling of things I got for my shower. The larger items (a bassinet and a jogging stroller) are stil at my mom's house as we have a tiny car.









So, I love color, handmade items, bunnies, BabyMoon (OMG to die for. All of it). I have many more pictures, but I will spare everyone the shots of inside dresser drawers.

Normally, I am napping at this time on the weekend. However I am very wound up for some reason. I have a millions things on my to-do list that I feel NEED to be done, TODAY. I'm glad the nesting is finally kicking in. I was worried for myself for a while.

I also found out that I have enough vacation/sick time to cover an entire 3 months off. That means I would get a full paycheck. I didn't think that I had enough time to do that so I was planning to take 50% time at no pay and use my time to cover the other 50. That also would have meant half a paycheck. This is good news just because we have been planning on only half my salary for a few months now. Now we have a bit more breathing room.

Still have a big butt in my ribs. Wowzers.

Can your rib cage explode?

I seriously feel like my ribs are being bruised, broken, and/or PUSHED to their maximum capacity. And I don't really know what to do about it. I went to the Chiro on Monday which helped but I want to go back, NOW! However, it is a smidge pricey for me.

I've never been so aware of individual ribs in my back. I can feel some pressure from little body parts in my ribs up front but the ribs in my back flat-out Hurt. Sitting is not comfortable. The one thing that helps is laying on the couch. It is squishy enough that I can lay on my back for a while before I need to turn. This is why I've been sleeping on the couch for the past couple of weeks. That and I pee a lot and have insomnia. Trout doesn't need me waking him up by hoisting myself out of bed every hour.

Any advice or input would be appreciated!

I have a feeling no one would disagree

You Are 19 Years Old

Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe. 13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world. 20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences. 30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more! 40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

What Age Do You Act?

Showered!

My weekend was good. I had my baby shower thrown by my BFF and I didn't die from the anxiety, I don't know what I was so worried about. I tend to get very nervous opening gifts in front of people. But it was fun and cute to see all the little things people picked out for me. It was also fun for others to rattle off baby items that they still have and, did I want them? I'm all about reusing. I will eventually post some pictures of my loot!
The past two days have not been so pleasant.
First, I applied for a job that I was well qualified for, and didn't even get an interview. This job would have eliminated my commute time, been part-time, still in my field and would have made all the logistics in my head so much easier to figure out. I was surprisingly devastated.
Today on our commute home on a two lane highway, the van travelling in front of us hit a deer. This is my worst nightmare at this point in time as we are on the highway for 30-45 minutes every work day. Our state is number 3 for car-deer crashes. The paranoia about my safety is starting to increase to massive proportions right now. I have no idea what I will do when I see ice on the road.
Baby has been very squirmy the past few days. I think s/he is getting pissed that it is slowly losing space to wiggle around. I have a feeling this is going to be one stubborn child. I think I have a butt under my right ribs. But I think I was having Braxton-Hicks contractions all day as well. Maybe things are in practice mode?
I've been a crying mess for the past two weeks or so. I think I need to get some funny from Netflix or something.