More milestones

On Wednesday we had a huge list of firsts:

1. Had dr. appt.
2. Declined our first vaccine.
3. Went to B@rnes and Nob1e to spend our X-mas gifts with the boy (40 min car ride). He was cute and cuddly in the sling while I got to move around and read things. It was glorious.
   
4. Changed a diaper in public restroom.
5. Nursed in public (not in the sling though. I was too flustered to try).
   
6. Gave a middle-aged dude the stink eye when I realized he was hovering around me due to nursing. It was perv-y.
7. Ate at a restaurant.

He, of course, was an angel. Trout was proud to show him off and by the end of the trip my anxiety level was low-ish.

Mommy milestone

I figured out nursing in a sling.

Now my ass will get a break since I can move a bit and not need to remain seated. Hopefully I can get some practice before attempting to do this in public.

Off topic

My dad still uses a typewriter for envelopes because he thinks that his handwriting is illegible. For very important things. Like your comic book order:

My dad is now 5-6 years behind on reading his comics. This frightens me as it has been stated I will be the lucky offspring to inherit the vast family fortune o' comics. The size of his collection has finally freaked him out on my behalf as he realized I would have to sort through all this crap and try to do something with it all. He has been picking out the comics that might be worth something to sell on Ebay so he and I can enjoy the fruits of his OCD behavior that should have been treated at age 13.

It is this, however, that has shaped my non-collector habits. A lot of time/effort/space has to be spent on 40 years worth of comic books. No thanks.

Everyone needs their mommy

I have terrible cabin fever that is making my anxiety and depression worse. I don't leave the love seat all day.

So my mom is coming to pick us up and Bowie and I are going to stay with my parents for a few days. Change of scenery, use of a car, and a mall to walk around in because it is COLD! Winter sucks.

I may be MIA for a few days.

Then and now

Poor buddy. This is not a very flattering picture to show off his cuteness.

I still have all the positive pregnancy tests that I took (and I took a LOT). It took 13 months for that positive test. 13 months of anticipation and of frustration. I have no idea why it took a bit longer than what is considered "average" (I'm still trying to find a reference for this, but I recall reading for someone under 30 the average is 6 months with 85% conceiving within 12, but I'll double check) but I am so grateful that he is here, sore nipples and all.

I started this blog because I was really frustrated that I wasn't getting pregnant. I found that a lot of people had blogs about their infertility and I read them voraciously. I did not have to go through what most of these other people have or are going through. I never had to be poked and prodded and given vague diagnoses that danced around the problem. I did not have to experience a loss. I did not have to wear an infertile title in my mind or in my heart. I did have to use some tools, such as charting my cycles using an online program called Fertility Friend and reading Take Ch.arge of Your Fe.rtility (TCOYF), use of a fertility monitor that I referred to as the Bleep! Bleep! and the use of Pre-seed a, ahem, "friendly" lubricant when trying to conceive. My assumption is that all these things combined were needed to assist in the baby making.

Also, I had two separate blogs with this one being a bit more private and the other about non-baby related things. I've combined the two now and hopefully at some point will have more posts about life as I see it and want to see it.

More on the then and now vein:

Then
(probably a week or less before he was born)

Now
(4 weeks post partum)
Sigh, I can't figure out how to turn the picture, so deal with it.

Things can change so fast...

Frugality and finances

Seven years ago I was accepted to a graduate program 2000 miles from where we were currently living. I desperately wanted to go. Trout got a blank check in the mail from a lending company around the same time we were trying to figure out how to move so I could go to school. Without reading the fine print, he cashed the check and I called U-Haul.

Needless to say that was the biggest financial mistake EVER MADE. I kept my head in the sand regarding the terms of this loan and Trout tried desperately to "take care of it" on his own to the point of remaining silent when the company was calling twice a day when it went into default. We fought about this loan, about our silence, about mismanagement of money. We blamed each other for the problems it brought out between us. It was partially a cause of problems but truly it brought to the surface issues in our relationship that were otherwise dormant. I thought he was being dishonest and irresponsible, he thought I was being naive and placing a bulk of the blame on him while I walked away guilt free. Since we weren't married, I had no legal obligation (nor did I have any right to information. The people calling did not, and would not, give me any information regarding the account) on the account. Since we weren't married, we kept separate bank accounts and handled our own money, rarely asking the status of each others pocketbook.

The loan ended up having an INSANE interest rate for a time while Trout played catch up with payments. At one point I know it was in the high 20's (like, above 25%).

Last week it was finally paid off.

What a hard and humiliating lesson learned. The one good thing that came out of it is that Trout and I can talk about money openly. It took many years for that to happen.

I am not a big spender. I didn't get a credit card until after I had graduated from college (which is surprisingly hard, I found out. But they pass them out like candy while you are still a student) and made it through undergrad without accumulating any student loans (grad school is a whole different story though peeps, yikes). So, this financial lesson did show me that I still had a lot to learn regarding money.

But I think I'm still going to get a bottle of wine to celebrate the payment of the evil loan. Good riddance and I hope I will be smart enough to avoid the situation again.

Ever make a really bad financial decision?

Big Wisconsin Dork

Because I *heart* this picture.

The malfunction

I alluded to a malfunction that occurred at my home visit the first day that Bowie was home. I think I'm over it enough to write it out. This happened immediately postpartum so I may be fuzzy on some details.

Two nursing assistants came to check us both out 24 hours after we left the birth center. They bring all their equipment to your house. It was nice I could just stay in bed while they poked at me and checked the baby. Trout as with me in our room while my mom and aunt waited in the living room.

The assistants get their digital scale out to weigh the baby. They set the scale on the floor (carpet) and put Bowie down to weigh him. I hear one say, "That can't be right" and she picked Bowie up and set him down again.

His weight read 5 pounds and some odd ounces.
He was 7 lbs 13 oz. at birth.

One of the assistants looks at me and says that this is a huge problem and asks to see my nursing log.

Now, the first day home we were not diligent with the nursing log as my mind was still a bit fuzzy. There was a 6 hour period we didn't record a nursing session. This does NOT mean I didn't nurse him for 6 hours, I just didn't remember to record it and I couldn't recall specific times during the day when I did (I'm surprised I remembered my own name the first day we were home).

The assistants freaked out and called the midwife back at the center. They also were talking to me in a tone that was very condescending, very "hey stupid, feed your baby."

I just stared at them because when they said he's lost almost 20% of his body weight I thought to myself, "If that were true he would be dead." But I sat there and said nothing.

The midwife called the practice we had selected and got the on call doctor (we hadn't picked a specific doctor yet) and we were asked to bring Bowie in the next day to get a bilirubin test done since one of the assistants thought he looked a little jaundiced. They wanted to check to make sure he was ok due to the "weight loss." The midwife prepared us that worst case scenarios would be the doctor may suggest supplementation with formula (if that were the case the midwife suggested considering donor milk). My head floated away even further by the thought of this.

The next day we went and got the test. Silly mommy decided to come in while he got his heel pricked. His results came back and his bilirubin result was high but not high enough to do anything about it. But they wanted us to come back the next day to make sure his level didn't get too high.

And they weighed him. His weight was 7 lbs 4 oz. Obviously the previous reading was not correct.

Then we had to go and get his blood tested 3 more times to make sure the levels stayed within a normal range and would drop over time. Mommy did not accompany Bowie for the remaining 3 heel pricks. Trout took him in while mommy walked the halls to be out of earshot to avoid crying hysterically in public. It never got high enough to need any treatment. He gained an ounce every day we took him in.

We were pissed. On a number of issues:

1. The weight the assistants got at our house was simply wrong. Because of their error and presumption that we were negligent we had to subject a newborn to 4 unnecessary blood tests.
2. Bowie is not 100% Caucasian. The "yellow" that they saw is his actual skin color. Its called pigment.
   
3. I didn't want to have Bowie in a hospital because that is where SICK PEOPLE GO. We live in a small town so we had to go to the hospital, not a clinic, to get his tests/results. I am not a germaphobe, but I was those four days we took him in.
4. Overall, it was all unnecessary and made me feel like shit. I was talked to like I was an idiot by everyone.
   

So that is what the first week of Bowie's life entailed.

I still apologize to him for all the heel pricks.

We finally figured it out

I finally got Bowie in a wrap. For some reason I can't get the formatting right so go here for pics.

I have also decided that I think I had an anxiety/depression induced episode yesterday. Gotta watch that. Hopefully I will have more thoughts on that as my hormones level out.

I caved

And I gave Bowie a pacifier yesterday. But if you had been around my house, you would have thought that I had a nervous breakdown. Because I did.

I don't know why I was fighting giving him a pacifier. He LOVES it. He loves to suck. Part of the reason is that nursing sessions were lasting over an hour with him just sucking for 40 minutes. While I find this so so sweet, I simply can't take having him sucking for that long. I really wasn't getting much of a break between sessions and I was starting to get a bit batty.

I am now overly paranoid about giving him the nuk when he is hungry but so far he has done a good job letting me know if he wants the real deal. I'm watching the clock a bit more so that he is at the breast every hour and a half-two hours to make sure he eats.

Seriously, I was a basket case over this. What the hell am I going to be when he gets into his first fender bender? Good lord.

Dammit

At our midwife appt. last Friday the midwife "corrected" our nursing position and now my nipples are sore, chapped, and starting to scab again. Him latching on is making me cringe. I thought we were doing fine but apparently she thought we were doing it wrong, so I tried it her way. I don't think I should have. Grrrrr.

How much longer does this tend to go on? Do they really just need to toughen up? Or am I constantly doing this incorrectly? I don't by the whole "If it hurts you're doing it wrong" bs because if you think about what is happening, of course it won't feel super great. But when is it truly problematic?

Multitude of topics

Lets see how long it takes me to actually publish this post. Start time 7:17 am.

Mental Health
I am beginning to feel a bit....of something the last couple of days. I am not depressed, I am not overwhelmed, I am not anxious, but I am sad at times. Other times I am indifferent. Part of the reason is that we only have one car so that means I am stuck at home when Trout goes to work. I don't know anyone who lives in this town so I am really left to my own devices that are within my home. That is depressing to me. Even just driving around for 45 minutes would do me a world of good. Going to a new moms group once a week or something would be nice. Needless to say, I'm looking into purchasing a second (more reliable) car. I don't really know if we can afford it but I think I am desperate enough to make some sacrifices to make it happen.

New Years and a look back reflection
I was lucky to make it to 9:30 New Years Eve, woohoo. There are a few things that I have been thinking about regarding the past year. Things I have done, things I want to do in 2008, and things I want to focus on more.

Things I (we) have done that were significant:

• bought our first house
• had a baby

Seriously, I think that is plenty.

Things I would like to accomplish in 2008:

• lose baby weight. I'm giving myself the year to work on that.
• run in a short race this spring or early summer. 5k or something similar in length.
• be easy on myself as a mama. I don't need to be perfect and it is OK to take some time to myself if I need it. I don't have to love every second of this journey and I am not a bad person should I feel that way. Bottom line is I love my son and I will do everything to make him happy, healthy, and loved.
• get a bit more serious about living more organically and purposely. I think we do fine, more so than the average person, but we can definitely work on a few areas. Trout is already planning for next seasons awesome garden. I hope to help him a bit more this time around instead of bitchin' and moaning that we don't have any Twizzlers and I don't feel well (because of being pregnant). I would also like to purge and declutter more junk.
• be grateful for what I have even if I don't think it is ideal. I have plenty.
• be mindful of the things and ideas that come into Bowie's life.

Other baby related items
I still haven't had much luck keeping Bowie in the Moby Wrap for long. It is still a bit sloppy going getting him in and he doesn't seem to be comfortable. However, there is a very small window of time when he is freshly diapered, fed, and awake for me to snuggle him in quick. I try to wear him a little bit every day (until he protests) in the hopes that I'll get better with the wrap and he'll be more comfortable in it. I still haven't tried the Maya Wrap with him though I think I should as he might like sleeping in it.

Diapers are starting to work though I still can't get a prefold folded right to avoid a leak. Part of the problem is the, uh, boy anatomy that needs to be taken into account? I need to give myself some time to get through the learning curve. Another is that the newborn diaper covers seem really tight, along with the fitted Kissaluvs that he is wearing. He doesn't seem to be uncomfortable but when he gets changed I can see little red marks from the elastic at the leg holes. However going a bit bigger is leak city. I figure it is fine, but it took me a couple of tries to convince myself of this.

Also, he likes to pee when his old diaper is off but before the new diaper is completely on. We have lots of 2-3 diaper attempts some days. He's had a few direct hits to his face as well.

My nipples are sore but no longer cracked, chapped, scabbed and scary looking. This is good as I was getting a bit frustrated and I can see how women with no support would quit at that stage. I needed to be a bit more cautious with his latch and he is getting better with repositioning himself if he is not on properly. That's my boy!


End time 8:48 am. Not bad.